RESTROOM GAMER

As I entered the restroom at work on one of my frequent trips throughout the day, I heard an unfamiliar noise coming from one of the stalls. Someone was clearly playing a video game on their phone as they conducted their business. The unusual part was that he had the volume turned up to an abnormally high level for a public setting such as this. I did not meet this man, but here is the conversation we had while never laying eyes on one another.

ME: Sooo uh what are you playing in there? Sounds kinda like Super Mario Bros.

GAMER: Good ear. Yea I’ve got this great emulator on my phone.

ME: Don’t you feel like the volume is a little loud?  I know this isn’t the library but there is usually some sense of keeping it on the quiet side in the restroom.

GAMER: Why is that? Like you said, this isn’t the library.  It’s certainly not church.  Why does everyone always speak in hushed tones?

ME: I think it’s because of the tile. The acoustics in hear amplify everything. Sound bounces everywhere. That and the fact that many unspeakable things happen behind these doors.  Also, no eye contact should ever be made in here.

GAMER: We are a squeamish culture when it comes to matters of the intestines.

ME: Let me ask you this – would you take a phone call while sitting on the toilet?

GAMER: My toilet at home? Yes for certain people. A public toilet? Never.

ME: Thank goodness you said that. 

GAMER: What am I a barbarian? Playing Super Mario Bros. with the sound up while on the bowl is one thing. The music and sound effects are critical to playing the game properly. Taking a phone call is just disrespectful to the other person on the phone and the other people in the bathroom.

ME: You know what’s strange – I just got a little angry that you called it a bathroom. When there is clearly no bathing that takes place here. But then again, there is no rest that takes place in this restroom either. Sure you can sit, but that is hardly resting.

GAMER: Would you prefer the term water closet?

ME: If I were European I would.

GAMER: Well you’re-a-peein’ in here aren’t you.

ME: (hearty laughter) Ahhh classic joke.  Can I ask you one more question? I realized that you were in the handicap stall.  Clearly the handicap stall is the superior stall - there’s more room and there are those nifty handles for balancing.  But don’t you ever feel guilty taking the handicap stall if the regular stall is open? Like what if a handicapable person comes in and you’re occupying his stall? I never take the handicap stall if the other is open even though I always want to.

GAMER: I never thought about that.

ME: I have an abnormally guilty conscience.

GAMER: That’s no good for the intestines. Too much stress.

ME: I’m trying to get past it. By the way, I’m circulating a petition that will require all public restrooms, by law, to have OCCUPIED and VACANT signs on the outside of the door and/or stall. It’s time we put an end to accidental walk-ins. Would you be willing to sign it?

GAMER: Just slide it under the door.

FOYE FROM THE FUTURE

Several days ago, I saw a woman on the street who I immediately recognized. On second glance, she appeared to be approximately 20 years older then the person I thought she was initially.  However, I still believe that this woman was indeed my friend Erin Foye – ONLY SHE WAS FROM THE FUTURE. I did not meet this woman that day, but here is the conversation we had on the sidewalk in the year 2011.

ME: When are you from?

ERIN: Did you say “when”?

ME: I know who you are. I know you’re Erin Foye. And I know that you’ve come from the future. My guess is probably 2025.

ERIN: How did you know? It’s good to see you Craig. And actually I’m back from 2037.

ME: Really!? My goodness you’ve aged extremely well.

ERIN: Thanks. I’d like to say it’s all natural but there have been some wondrous medical advancements in anti-aging technology. Not plastic surgery or anything. More like sleeping in hyperbaric chambers and things like that.

ME: So I have to ask… phone booth or Delorean? 

ERIN: I’m really not at liberty to discuss the method by which I’ve returned. But I’m 88% sure you already know the answer.

ME: That’s heavy. So is the future really, you know…futuristic?

ERIN: Well it is the future.

ME: I mean with all the gadgets, flying cars, hoverboards, and microchips implanted in our brains. Or is it more of dystopian post-apocalyptic nuclear fallout vibe?

ERIN: Neither actually. Sci-fi movies of the past presented a very narrow all-or-nothing outlook for our society.  When in fact, the reality lands somewhere in the middle. We continued to destroy certain regions and aspects of our world but we’ve been able to advance others and maintain a reasonably safe and sustainable future.

ME: That sounds like an incredibly boring movie.

ERIN: Although I suppose it was rather unexpected when we were invaded and conquered by our then friendly neighbors to the north.

ME: We were conquered by Canada? But they’re so nice.

ERIN: You could say they killed us with kindness. But more accurately with nuclear weapons.

ME: So what are you doing here? Are you warning Erin about something? Are you here to kill someone? Can I help?

ERIN: Are you asking if you can help me kill someone?

ME: I’m not saying I would, but if you had a good reason I might be willing to get my hands dirty. Honestly, who hasn’t fantasized about trying to get away with murder? Wait – are you here to tell me something about my future? Do I get caught trying to murder someone?

ERIN: You’re kinda freaking me out.

ME:  Sorry. Sorry. The whole time travel thing is messing with my head.

ERIN: Put your mind at ease. You have nothing to worry about. This is actually more of a vacation for me then it is a mission to save all of humanity.

ME:  I suppose that should be a relief. But I have to admit it’s kind of disappointing. 

ERIN: Sorry the future isn’t as exciting as you had hoped. But hey - we’re still friends. We’re actually grabbing dinner together next week…in 2037 I mean. There’s this new great maple syrup restaurant that just opened up.

ME: Oh Canada.

STARBUCKS PATRON WHO REFUSED A FREE SAMPLE

Starbucks was giving away free samples of their new pastry confections today. I got uncharacteristically excited about this proposition, as I often restrain myself from ordering their goodies. The man in front of me in line did not share in my anticipatory hunger. When asked if he would like a free sample, he simply refused without a second of thought. I did not meet this man, but here is the conversation we had while waiting for our drinks at Starbucks.

ME: Did you just say no to a free sample of a lemon bar?

SB PATRON: Yes. Yes I did.

ME: Can I have your free sample?

(Starbucks employee glares at me)

SB PATRON: I don’t think it works that way.

ME: Do you have some kind of dietary restriction? Allergies? Diabetes? Veganism?

SB PATRON: No. I just don’t believe that anything is life is free. If I take a free sample then the universe will make me pay it back at some other time and in some other way. Owing the universe is not a position I particularly care to be in.

ME: Well what if the universe currently owes you and is attempting to pay you back with a lemon bar sample? Yet you are refusing to accept payment for the debt owed you. What do you think of that?

SB PATRON: It’s possible but not probable. If that is indeed the case then I am simply choosing not to accept the lemon bar sample as payment. I consider the lemon bar the way most establishments consider the Discover card.

ME: When I worked at Sam’s Club we did accept the Discover card. We surprisingly and controversially did not accept Visa. Do you know what else I accepted that summer?

SB PATRON: What’s that?

ME: Lots and lots of free food samples. But you couldn’t eat while you were on the clock. So at lunchtime we would take off our vests and feast on various Swedish meatballs and pizza bagel bites.

SB PATRON: You must have owed the universe quite a bit after that summer.

ME: I was working at Sam’s Club selling 20gallon tubs of mayo. The universe owed me.

SB PATRON: Well I better get back to work. Can’t be late.

ME: Wait – one more Sam’s Club anecdote related to what you just said. A friend of mine who was working with me that summer once showed up late to his 2pm shift because he overslept. He was so lazy he couldn’t wake up in time for an afternoon shift!

SB PATRON: What happened to him?

ME: They put him on cart duty the rest of the day. Everyone hated cart duty. It was like 100 degrees out there. Although I think he ended up taking a nap in his car.

SB PATRON: Sounds like he was overdrawn on his universe account.

ME: Is there a website where I can look up my balance

NEIGHBOR ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WINDOW

I recently moved into a new apartment.  It’s the corner unit, which means the view from most of the windows is great. The guest room however looks directly into the neighboring building which is approximately 25 feet away. Whenever I enter the guest room I am very conscious of the potential of someone being on the other side of the window looking at me. I did not meet my neighbor, but here is the conversation we had through our open windows.

ME: Ahoy there neighborino.

NEIGHBOR: Oh hello. You just moved in right?

ME: Yes. About 3 weeks ago. You noticed? Very observant.

NEIGHBOR: Well there was no movement over there for a few months. So once we saw your peering eyes staring at us every morning, we kind of figured it out.

ME: Peering eyes? No. I may have accidentally glanced in the general direction of your windows once or twice, but never ever did I stare and try to see anything.

NEIGHBOR: What did I have for dinner last night?

ME: I believe it was meatloaf with broccolini in a light beurre blanc

NEIGHBOR: Exactly.  Hey look – it comes with the territory.  Don’t think I haven’t sneaked a peak or two at you in the morning.  So your wife got the closet in the master bedroom huh?

ME: Yes. Yes she did.  So you’ve seen me…in the morning…getting ready...at my closet…in my towel…and not in my towel.

NEIGHBOR: I have.  Even broke out the binoculars once or twice.

ME: Excuse me.  Binoculars? What are you implying?

NEIGHBOR: No disrespect.  I’m just checking out the goods.

ME: So you like what you see – wait -that’s not the point.  No more peeking, especially with enhanced seeing devices.  I promise not to look at your dinner and you promise not to look at my (gulp) goods.

NEIGHBOR: No can do. Neighbors have certainly inalienable rights.  Peeping is one of them.  I won’t make it obvious if that makes you feel better.  Or you could always close the curtains.

ME: But the sun is so nice in the morning.  It would really be a shame to shut out all that natural light. It feels lovely and warm on my body when I get out of the shower.

NEIGHBOR: Your choice.

ME: You just better hope I don’t break my leg at the same time you commit some kind of horrific murder.  Because I will be camped out right here watching everything and anything you do. It’s actually kind of all I can think about since we’ve moved in here.

NEIGHBOR: I’ll be sure to remember that.  Or I’ll just close my curtains.

ME: If you close yours then I’m closing mine.

NEIGHBOR: Let’s not be hasty now.

ME: OK.  I’ll leave them open a crack.

NAKED GUY IN THE GYM LOCKER ROOM

When you are a member of a fitness center and use the locker room, you are bound to encounter a few naked bodies.  It comes with the territory and is something you must fully accept. I myself have been naked in my fair share of locker rooms over the years. But every so often you come across someone who is too naked for too long. Today was one of those days. I did not meet this man, but here is the conversation we had in the locker room at the gym (For the record - I was wearing a towel).

ME: You’re still naked?!

NAKED: What?

ME: Sorry. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. It’s just that you were naked when I entered the locker room. I took a shower. Came back. And you’re still standing there naked with no signs of clothing anywhere.

NAKED: Well I don’t like to put my clothes on if I’m still even a little bit wet. It weirds me out and makes me uncomfortable for the entire day.

ME: I totally get that. But I saw you earlier do the whole towel behind the butt shimmy shake thing. Not that I was watching intentionally. It was just incredibly difficult not to look. There are really too many mirrors in this place now that I think about it. 

NAKED: I can get about 90% dry with the towels here. But they’re not exceptionally absorbent. I don’t even think the cotton is Egyptian. So the last 10% has to come via air-dry. And that does take a while.

ME: Is Egyptian cotton really from Egypt?  Do they grow it there or is that just some sort of marketing tool?

NAKED: I’m not sure if it is grown there. But I do believe Egypt manufactures it. It’s very hot in Egypt, so people sweat more. As a result, they have been at the forefront of absorbent textile innovations.

ME: Back to the naked thing. I say this being 98% comfortable with my sexuality and I mean no disrespect. You are not a terribly attractive man. Are you really comfortable hanging out completely nude for an extended period of time in a relatively public environment?

NAKED: In general, I am completely comfortable. My confidence wavers slightly when the locker room drops below a certain temperature. Let me ask you a question. Would you have said anything if I were an attractive man who was perhaps more well endowed?

ME: Interesting. Probably not. I might even sneak a few extra peeks.

NAKED: So you’re just a perv with standards.

ME: Whoa. Whoa. Let’s not start calling each other names “guy with the mole shaped like JFK”.

NAKED: I think I will go ahead and put my pants on now.

ME: I will do the same.  Although I am still a little damp.

THE MAN WHO NEVER MADE TEA

My office at work is right near the kitchen.  I sometimes hear people grabbing a bag of chips or conversing with their fellow workers.  While sitting at my desk the other day, I overheard one man ask another man “How do you make a cup of tea?”  His question was then answered with the question “You’ve never made tea before?” - to which he replied “No.”  I did not meet this man, but here is the conversation we had in the kitchen at work. 

ME: I’m sorry.  Did I just hear you say that you’ve never made a cup of tea and you don’t know how to do it?

TEA: I did say that.

ME: How is that humanly possible?  Let’s accept the absurd notion that you have never actually made a cup of tea before.  Perhaps you are insanely wealthy and servants with posh English accents have brought you everything you’ve ever wanted.  But surely you’ve seen someone make tea before.  Or at least you’ve read about it. 

TEA: Ummmm… no. Can’t say that I have.  Why is that so shocking?

ME: Oh I don’t know.  Billions of Chinese drink it.  The Indians.  The British.  It’s only one of the most popular beverages in the known universe – hot or otherwise.

TEA: I’m more of a cream soda guy myself.

ME: Cream soda?  Cream soda is your “go to drink”?  Cream soda is no one’s “go to drink.” 

TEA: I love the stuff.  Can’t get enough of it.  I drink it cold.  I drink it room temperature.  I drink it hot in the morning with a lingonberry scone.  Delicious.  In fact, I make my own cream soda in my garage.

ME: So you can make an incredibly complicated beverage like cream soda, but not a humble cup of tea.  You know, tea might be one of the simplest beverages you can make.  Obviously, it’s incredibly difficult to make the perfect cup of tea.  You have to balance the temperature with the steeping time and the potency of the leaves.  But for your purposes it boils down to pouring some hot water into a mug and inserting a tea bag.  Not exactly rocket science or brain surgery or something else really complicated and difficult that requires years of study.

TEA: Not sure I followed all that.  Do you have a book or a manual I can consult?  You know what, I bet I can find a tutorial video on youtube. 

 ME: You’re screwing with me right.

TEA:  Hey you seem like a smart guy.  Do you know how make toast?

ME: Enjoy your cream soda.

WOMAN WHO STILL USES THE CLUB

I pulled into a parking space in the parking garage at work the other day, turned the key to turn off my car and gathered my belongings for the day.  Just before I opened my door to exit, a blue sedan pulled into the previously empty spot next to me.  As I made my way to the stairs, I noticed the woman in that car was putting THE CLUB on her steering wheel.  I did not meet this woman, but here is the conversation we had in the parking garage.

ME: Excuse me.  Is that The Club?

THE CLUB: Yes. It is the world’s most trusted automobile anti-theft device.

ME: My friend once used The Club on his Ford Probe.  Which was also blue.  Are you worried about your car being stolen?  After all we are in a secure private parking garage.

THE CLUB: Are you saying my car isn’t nice enough?

ME: Eh.  It’s fine I guess.  It’s a sedan.

THE CLUB: Yea.  It’s really nothing special is it?  Truth is, I don’t even lock the device. I just put it on there for show.  People get a kick out of it and I think it’s a hoot.

ME: A “hoot” you say?  I like that.  We should bring that word back.  It’ll be the cat’s pajamas.

THE CLUB: Now you’re just trying too hard.  Don’t get me wrong - I’m a huge fan of the old-timey slang, but I’m not too keen on shoehorning it into conversations.  It makes you sound like a real rube.

ME: I enjoy the word “swell”. I say it often in the place of good.  Or I’ll say “fine and dandy”.

THE CLUB: I know the guy who started “radical”.

ME: What do you mean?  You’re telling me one guy started “radical”?  One person doesn’t start slang.  It has to be a movement by a group of dedicated people.

THE CLUB: Believe what you want. 

ME: Never doubt a small group of dedicated people can change the world.  Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

THE CLUB: One guy can start “radical.”

ME: Who do you think started “cool”?  I feel like “cool” is the longest lasting slang term in the history of slang terms.  It hasn’t gone out of style since it was first used.  In fact, “cool” has such longevity that it almost ceases to be slang at all.

THE CLUB: That dude is the bee’s knees.

ME: Word.