THE TWO HERMIONES

My wife and I grabbed dinner the other night at a local LA eatery called “Grub”.  As we finished our meal and were waiting for the waitress to return with our credit card, in walked 2 women dressed in full Harry Potter regalia.  Each donned a black cloak and Gryffindor striped scarf and tie. That night, I happened to be wearing a blue and gold striped cardigan sweater that was eerily reminiscent of the Gryffindor garb, albeit with one different color.  I immediately felt their eyes on me wondering whether I was one of them. I did not meet these women, but here is the conversation we had while in the restaurant.

HERMIONE #1: Excuse me.  Are you going to the meeting?

ME: What meeting? 

HERMIONE #1: Oh.  Our mistake.  We thought you might be a fellow wizard.

HERMIONE #2: You mean YOU thought he might be a wizard.  It’s because she’s colorblind.  Clearly those colors are not Gryffindor colors.  I knew you were either an imposter or just someone who likes striped sweaters.

ME: Turns out it’s just the sweater thing.  I know zero magic.  Not even the quarter behind the ear trick.  So what meeting are you going to?

HERMIONE #1: It’s a dramatic reading of the final book of the Harry Potter series. 

ME: That sounds awesome…and also incredibly time consuming.  Isn’t that book like 900 pages?

HERMIONE #2: 784 actually.  Look - we’re really not supposed to be discussing this people like you.

ME: People like me?  What the hell is that supposed to mean?

HERMIONE #1: She means muggles. 

ME: Muggles?  So you’re saying because I am have non-magical blood that I can’t go to your little reading. 

HERMIONE #2: That’s what we’re saying.

ME: That’s racist.  You two are racists. 

HERMIONE #2: We’re not racists.  It’s just a very exclusive organization with very strict rules.

ME: Oh well that makes it ok.  I have this thing at my country club anyway.  Mitzy and Fluffy are waiting for me.

HERMIONE #1: How droll.

HERMIONE #2: What if I use my invisibility cloak?  I can sneak him in and nobody will be the wiser.

HERMIONE #1: If you want to do that, that’s on you.  I’m not getting in trouble with Dumbledore for this.

HERMIONE #2: I’ll take that risk.  What do you say?

ME: Well I would love to see what this is all about.  And I HAVE always wanted to be invisible.  On the other hand, I’ve never read any of the books and I kind of don’t want to ruin the next movie by knowing what happens.  I think I’ll pass.  Thanks though.

(Immediately after making that statement, I was transformed into a snail)