THE DEFENDANT

Recently I was selected for jury duty at the Hollywood courthouse and became known simply as juror #5. The case presented to me was that of indecent exposure and a lewd act. We were a hung jury – deadlocked at 9 to 3. The defendant (we’ll call him Jesus because that was his name) did not take the stand and I never heard him speak one word. Therefore, I did not meet this man, but here is the conversation we had outside the courthouse after the case had ended.

ME: I’d just like you to know that I voted not guilty. Not because I necessarily believed that you didn’t do it. But because I didn’t feel that the prosecution proved you were guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.

JESUS: Thank you

ME: Now I know what you’re thinking. But I’m not going to ask. In fact, even if you wanted to tell me, I wouldn’t want to know.

JESUS: Ok.

ME: Seriously. Not asking.

JESUS: Alright.

ME:

JESUS:

ME: So did you do it?

JESUS: I did it.

ME: Ah man. Why? Why did you do it? Why would you do that? Why? Why? Whyyyyy? Couldn’t you have lied to me at least? Jesus Jesus (first one with a hard J, second one with an H sound).

JESUS: I felt you deserved the truth.

ME: You’re a very honorable man.

JESUS: Thank you. I pride myself on my honor.

ME: No! You’re not honorable! Come on man. You pulled your thingy out in front of that woman. An unwanted thingy is not honorable.

JESUS: Do you think the court reporter would like to see my thingy?

ME: Let’s just – let’s talk about something else please.

JESUS: Ok

ME: Ummm…Did you happen to use the coffee machine in the waiting room?

JESUS: Yes!

ME: Isn’t that thing awesome?! It’s one of those old school ones that shoots the cup out and then fills it up automatically right in front of you. Really makes you feel like your in a classic crime drama or something.

JESUS: And it was only 45 cents.

ME: I know! And you can get it with sugar and whitener. Like they can’t even legally call it non-dairy creamer or something like that. What the hell is that stuff made of anyway?

JESUS: I have no idea

ME:

JESUS:

ME: You know I can’t do this. I’m sitting here trying to have a conversation with you and all I keep doing is waiting for you to pull ou-

JESUS:

ME: And there it is.