Last night I was eating at Baja Fresh at approximately 8pm. While enjoying my grilled veggie burrito, the door opened, and in walked two scantily clad young women and young guy with very floppy hair. They seemed to be dressed inappropriately for the place, the time, and their apparent age. I became transfixed on them for the rest of my meal. I did not meet these people, but here is the conversation I had with the platinum blonde girl (she appeared to be the ring leader).

ME: Forgive me for being so forward, but I have some questions I would like you to ask you.

BLONDIE: Are you a cop?

ME: No. Just a curious citizen.

BLONDIE: Buy me a quesadilla and you can ask me whatever you want.

ME: Done.

(After buying her a quesadilla AND a soda, we resumed our conversation)

ME: First question – how old are you?


ME: Not possible. You look like you could maybe be 19, but your friends over there look 16 tops. Seriously? 23?

BLONDIE: Fine. 22.

ME: Second question - what the heck are you doing in a Baja Fresh at 8pm on a Tuesday night dressed like you’re going out to a club looking to get laid?

BLONDIE: I’m getting some food before I go out to a club and try to get laid.

ME: Oh. That makes sense then. You know I thought I had more questions, but I don’t. Just those two.

BLONDIE: So can I go now?

ME: Wait. I thought of another one. Did you know that your dress is so short that I can almost see your who-ha?

BLONDIE: Yes. I did know that. Sexy huh?

ME: Well. Considering I thought you were about 16 years old a few minutes ago. Not really.

BLONDIE: What do you know? You’re some lame old guy.

ME: Hey. I’m only 28. Plus, how do you know I’m lame? I mean I am. But what gave me away?

BLONDIE: You just have that look about you.

ME: I just figured out who you remind me of. There was this girl in college that had that exact same platinum blonde hair color. It’s so blonde it’s practically white.

BLONDIE: This is natural.

ME: No it’s not. She also listened to Cher. She had a whole album of remixes of that one Cher song – Believe.

BLONDIE: I love that song.

ME: Of course you do. Enjoy the quesadilla. Use a condom.




My friend sent me a description of a woman she recently noticed while walking the streets of NYC. She requested that I have a fake conversation with this woman, and after reading the description I was happy to oblige.

On a cold winter’s day In NYC, a woman approximately 72 years in age walked briskly down the street. She was wearing a fur coat, an extremely large fur hat, and a fur muff around her hands. Hanging from the muff were a set of bells that jingled with every step. I did not meet this woman, but here is the conversation we had while strolling on 5th Avenue.

ME: Is that fake fur?

FUR LADY: If I say yes, do you promise not to throw blood on me?

ME: So it’s real.

FUR LADY: It’s sloth.

ME: Sloth? They make sloth fur coats, hats, and muffs?

FUR LADY: Well they are extremely slow animals. So it’s not hard to catch them.

ME: I’m surprised you could sneak up on them while you’re jingling like that. I figured it was like one of those bells you put on your cat so they can’t kill birds.

FUR LADY: I don’t have any money if that’s what you’re looking for.

ME: I’m not looking for money. Are you looking for money? I thought you might be a Salvation Army volunteer. You know – with the bell and all.

FUR LADY: Very funny.

ME: What do you call that kind of hat anyway? It’s huge – like a fur sombrero.

FUR LADY: What do you call those ears? They’re huge – like a human Dumbo.

ME: I do have big ears, don’t I?

FUR LADY: It’s not so much the size. But they do stick out. Have you ever thought of going Van Gogh on those suckers? Maybe not the whole ear, but at least part of it.

ME: Hmmm. You know I hadn’t. But now I am.

FUR LADY: Consider it.

ME: Do they make fur underwear?

FUR LADY: Are you inquiring about a 72 year old woman’s knickers?

ME: Apparently I am.

FUR LADY: Some things are better left a mystery.

ME: Suppose they did make fur underwear…what would be the best animal to make it out of?

FUR LADY: Gerbil.

ME: Those would be some small undies.

FUR LADY: You’re a fresh one. I like you. Want to accompany me to the pet store?

ME: Hold on. I just have to vomit first.



After shopping for ingredients for last night’s dinner, I went to the checkout aisle to checkout. The man who was placing my items into my reusable bags was very loud and didn’t seem to realize that he was in fact working at that very moment. As I waited for all of my items to be scanned, he looked at me like he knew me. I did not meet this man, but here is the conversation we had in the checkout aisle at Gelson’s.

BAGGER: Your wife is hot.
ME: My wife isn’t here.

BAGGER: Oh I know. But you come here all the time. I’ve seen you here with her before. She’s hot.
ME: I’m not sure whether to say thank you, report you to the manager, or punch you in the nose. Since I have no idea how to punch someone without hurting my hand, I’m going to go ahead and ignore you.

BAGGER: Settle down partner. It’s a compliment. So I get off at 10. You want to hit the strip club or what?
ME: Please don’t talk to me.
BAGGER: Have you ever killed a man?
ME: No. But I once maimed someone for crushing my raspberries. Please don’t put them underneath the bag of onions.

BAGGER: I beat the shit out of this guy one time in an alley. Left him for dead. Don’t know if he actually died or not. So if anyone asks me if I killed someone, I can’t actually answer with 100% accuracy.
ME: Do you get asked that a lot?

BAGGER: See that check out guy over there? The one with the comb-over. He peed his pants the other day. Just stood there and took a leak.
ME: Cleanup aisle 7.

BAGGER: People thought is was apple juice.
ME: He needs to hydrate then.

BAGGER: Sometimes I steal people’s dogs. Not because they are barking or annoying or anything. Just because I think it’s funny.
ME: I’ll be right back. I’m going to go get one of those giant sticks of salami from the deli case and beat you over the head with it.

BAGGER: I’ve got a great story about a salami stick. So I’m at a party and I see this chick over by the bar…

ME: I do not like where this is going.



While flying from the beautiful Garden State to Los Angeles (connecting through Vegas) I sat next to a man for approximately 5 hours. He was in the aisle and I was in the middle. We were in the bulkhead row, so I did not have to climb over him to use the restroom, as there is ample legroom. I did not meet this man, but here is the conversation we had about 10 minutes before the flight landed.

ME: Excuse me.

ME: Sorry to disturb you. I was just wondering if you thought it odd that we have been sitting next to each other for almost 5 hours and have yet to say a word to each other.
AISLE: Now that you mention it. I suppose it is a bit odd,

ME: I mean our arms touched several times. Our legs touched several times. I reached in front of you to dispose of my trash. Yet we haven’t spoken.
AISLE: I was actually wondering about that. Were you touching me on purpose? Were you coming on to me?

ME: Don’t you think if I were coming on to you I would have attempted to strike up a conversation with you at some point?
AISLE: Isn’t that what you are doing right now?

ME: I wasn’t coming on to you. In fact, I was rather annoyed with you. You were using both armrests. This is my armrest.
AISLE: That’s not your armrest. I sat down first. First come first serve.

ME: Not true. That is poor plane etiquette and a popular misconception. This is the armrest that has my headphone jack. That makes it my armrest. You can’t lean where I plug in my headphones.
AISLE: So I just get the one on the aisle?

ME: Yes. That is the disadvantage of the aisle. You don’t have to ask people to move, so you get one armrest. The window is stuck behind two people. Therefore, they get both an armrest and the side of the plane to lean against. You have to balance everything out.
AISLE: Sorry about that then.

ME: It’s ok.
AISLE: May I ask you a question?

ME: Yes.
AISLE: Were you not hitting on me because you aren’t gay or because you didn’t find me attractive?

ME: Because I’m not gay. It has nothing to do with the fact that you aren’t attractive.
AISLE: Ouch.

ME: The truth hurts. Now get off my armrest.
AISLE: It’s a good thing we didn’t have this conversation 4 hours ago. The rest of the flight would have been really awkward.

ME: I think the proximity and silence were already sufficiently awkward.
AISLE: You really don’t think I’m attractive?

ME: You’re right. This is more awkward.



Yesterday at the gym, a man walked into the locker room wearing all black (black bandana, black tank top, black shorts, black sneakers, black socks). He had heavy black tribal tattoos. He was also quite large - in a muscular way. Later I saw him on the treadmill in front of me. I did not meet this man, but here is the conversation we had in the cardio room.

ME: I’m scared of you.

ME: Really? You want me to be scared of you?
MIB: Yes.

ME: Why would you want that?
MIB: People are less likely to start up a conversation with me because of how I look. And I enjoy not talking to people.

ME: Is that a hint?
MIB: What do you think?

ME: It probably is. But I might push my luck and continue talking to you anyway.
MIB: Do so at your own peril.

ME: There are grooves in your head. Is that your brain? It can’t be your brain because you have a skull. What the hell is that? Unless the top of your skull is missing.
MIB: The top of my skull is not missing. I just have a bumpy scalp.

ME: I always wonder if dudes that shave their head are going bald or just do it to look cool. I would bet you are doing it to add to the whole psycho body builder motif.
MIB: I actually don’t shave it. I use Nair.

ME: Holy crap. Nair? That stuff burns. I once knew this guy who Naired his chest. And then it dripped in the shower. And well, he was both bald and irritated – down there.
MIB: I like the burning sensation. Plus that’s how you know it is working. Like Selsun Blue.

ME: Ah yes the tingling. I know that well.
MIB: But you don’t have dandruff?

ME: Exactly…I think we just switched from Selsun Blue to Head & Shoulders by the way.
MIB: I think you’re right.

ME: So what do you do? Besides work out and intimidate others with your wardrobe and large imposing stature.
MIB: I’m a kindergarten teacher.

ME: Is that a joke?
MIB: No. I love working with kids.

ME: Do you ever eat paste? I would eat paste all the time if I had access to those big tubs of it.
MIB: It goes well with the dry macaroni.



As I drove down the street the other night to drop off a friend at her apartment, I saw a tall bald man standing in the middle of the street. He had binoculars on a strap around his neck and was looking through them. I did not meet this man, but here is a conversation we had in the middle of the street.

ME: You know what I am going to ask you right?
BINOCS: You’re going to ask me what I’m doing in the middle of the street late at night looking through these binoculars.
ME: Yes. That is what I am going to ask you.
BINOCS: Well go ahead and ask then.
ME: You’re going to make me ask you.
ME: Sigh. What are you doing in the middle of the street late at night looking through binoculars?
BINOCS: I’m bird watching.
ME: But it’s pitch black outside. What kind of birds could you possibly be watching?
BINOCS: Glow-in-the-dark birds.
ME: Glow-in-the-dark birds exist? Are you freaking kidding me? That’s awesome.
BINOCS: Well I haven’t seen any yet.
ME: You mean tonight?
BINOCS: No. Ever.
ME: Oh. Well what makes you think that they’re out there then?
BINOCS: Faith. If I believe in them, they will come.
ME: How many nights have you been out here looking for them?
BINOCS: Since 1974.
ME: Wow. You’ve been out here every night since 1974 looking for glow-in-the-dark birds.
BINOCS: Not every night. Only Wednesday nights. They only come out on Wednesday nights. Actually that’s not true. They’re out during the day on Wednesday too. But you can’t tell that they glow-in-the-dark because they just look like normal birds.
ME: Are there other animals that glow-in-the-dark?
BINOCS: I guess I really never thought about that. I suppose there could be. If there are any other animals that glow-in-the-dark, it would most likely be kangaroos.
ME: Why kangaroos?
BINOCS: Because they hop.
ME: Thank makes sense. Sooooooo…can I watch with you?



As I walked toward my car to leave for the day, I passed a redheaded woman. She smiled at me. I smiled back. I did not meet this woman, but here is the fake conversation we had in the parking lot.

ME: I’m married.
RED: Excuse me?
ME: What’s that?
RED: Did you say you were married?
ME: I may have mentioned that at some point during the conversation.
RED: What conversation? You just blurted out “I’m married.” Neither of us had been speaking prior to that.
ME: You smiled at me.
RED: And you smiled at me.
ME: Exactly.
RED: Exactly what?
ME: We smiled at each other. I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea.
RED: What idea would be the wrong idea? Because the idea running through my head right now is that you are slightly crazy.
ME: That would be A wrong idea. But not THE wrong idea I was referring to. THE wrong idea is that I would like to sleep with you. Because that is not what I meant when I smiled at you.
RED: Excuse me?
ME: You said that already.
RED: Why would I think you wanted to sleep with me just because you smiled at me?
ME: Because that’s exactly what I thought when you smiled at me. I thought you wanted to sleep with me. Is that not the case?
RED: No. It is most definitely not the case. It was a smile. I was being polite. I was being cordial. I was being a human being recognizing another human being with a nonverbal greeting.
ME: Oh.
RED: Yea. Oh is right.
ME: You’ll have to forgive me. It wasn’t that I thought you were a slut or anything. Because you don’t look like one. You’re very pretty obviously but not at all cheap or hussy-like.
RED: Are you sure you’re married?
ME: Yes. Didn’t I mention that earlier?
RED: I bet you’re the kind of guy who goes to a strip club and thinks the stripper is in love with him just because she made eye contact with you as placed a dollar into her g-string.
ME: I don’t know what you’re talking about.



Waiting to vote at my local elementary school, I noticed a man two places behind me in the queue. He was wearing oversized sunglasses and a newsboy cap. I did not meet this man, but here is the fake conversation we had while standing in line to cast our ballot. (He looked like a Rick – so I will call him Rick)

ME: I like your glasses.
RICK: They are big. Like a bug’s eyes.
ME: I suppose so yes. They are bug-like. Your hat is also very cool. I always try hats but I don’t think I can pull them off.
RICK: You just have to be confident. Own it. Here try on mine. I’ll show you.
ME: No I’m good. Don’t want to get hat hair.
RICK: You want to try on the glasses?
ME: No. I’m good there too. Got my own. Fully protected from the UV rays.
RICK: Gotta have protection. Glasses. Condoms. Guns. All that. Can’t be too careful.
ME: Guns huh? So are you a McCain supporter?
RICK: I prefer not to answer questions about my political affiliation. And it is illegal for you to campaign this close to a polling place. I'll have you brought up on charges.
ME: Whoa. Sorry. Didn’t mean to pry. I am certainly not campaigning and apologize if you were offended in any way.

(awkward silence)

RICK: I’m just fucking with you buddy.
ME: (nervous laughter) Wow. You really had me going there.
RICK: Well, I am an actor. So you know.
ME: Well it definitely shows. Classically trained I bet. Would I have seen you in anything?
RICK: Just some local theater stuff. I’m currently auditioning for a commercial in which I would play a Pez Dispenser. So, keep your fingers crossed.
ME: Good luck. Good luck. I didn’t realize Pez was still advertising. Wasn’t even really sure they were still around.
RICK: Oh it’s not for Pez. It’s for Zima.
ME: Ooohhhh. Also did not know they were still around.
RICK: Yea. It’s kind of a relaunch. The whole campaign actually attacks Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Talking about how it’s just a cheap knockoff. Zima is still the standard. The original. Still the best. That kind of thing.
ME: Hmmm. Don’t see where the Pez comes in but I will definitely be on the lookout for those.
RICK: For sure.
ME: Well, looks like it’s my turn to Barack the vote. That was a little pun there. So long.
RICK: Don’t forget. You can wear a hat, but you must have confidence.
ME: I'll remember that



The Hollywood Forever Cemetery hosts a huge celebration for The Day of the Dead. Hundreds or people show up to dance and eat and celebrate their fallen friends and family. I drove by the celebration and gawked at the enormous crowds. I also noticed a man selling hot dogs from a small cart. I did not meet this man, but here is the fake conversation we had outside the cemetery.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Would you like a hot dog wrapped in bacon?
ME: I don’t eat meat.
HDV: I also have hot dogs that are not wrapped in bacon.
ME: The hot dogs themselves are made of meat.
HDV: Are hot dogs meat?
ME: Sort of. I guess. Yes.
HDV: Are you enjoying El Dia de los Muertos?
ME: I would be enjoying this a lot more if I were dead. Not that I want to be dead. It’s just that this is the only day anyone is ever happy to see them – so it’s a good day for them. It must suck to be dead the other 364.25 days a year.
HDV: I don’t know. It might be fun to be a ghost. Have you ever seen Beetlejuice?
ME: Those people are miserable the entire movie.
HDV: Not at the end. (singing) Jump in de line, rock your body in time.
ME: OK, I believe you!
HDV: What brings you here? Is there someone buried here that you’re visiting?
ME: No. I just enjoy cemeteries. Used to hang out in them from time to time. Actually I enjoy them when they are deserted and quiet. But I thought it would be interesting to see one like this.
HDV: Have you ever robbed a grave?
ME: Ummm, I’m going to ignore that. But I have always wanted to dig a grave for some reason. A new one I mean. There’s something satisfying about digging a hole.
HDV: Would you like to dig a hole in my yard? You can.
ME: What an odd and generous offer. Do you need a hole in your yard for something?
HDV: No.
ME: Why would you let me dig a hole in your yard then?
HDV: Because you look like a guy who needs to dig a hole.
ME: I’m not sure what that means.
HDV: Well it wasn’t an insult. But it wasn’t a compliment either. Here’s my address. Come on by and dig whenever you want. You have to bring your own shovel though. Are you sure you don’t want a hot dog?
ME: Do you have a tofu pup?



After seeing a mediocre movie on Halloween, I went to Borders to find a new book. Browsing the bookshelves was a girl dressed in a slutty goth-like outfit. I did not meet this girl, but here is the fake conversation we had in the middle of the store.

ME: Is that a costume or do you dress like that normally? Sometimes on Halloween it’s hard to tell.
SGG: Is that a costume or do you dress like that normally? Sometimes on Halloween it’s hard to tell.
ME: I am wearing normal clothes. But you make an excellent point. I guess that’s one of those questions you don’t ask. Like there is a girl walking around here who may be pregnant or may be dressed as Juno or may just be fat. I can’t tell.
SGG: She’s just fat.
ME: Good thing I didn’t ask then. I see you’re looking through the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – 4TH Edition). Are you a psych student or are you just self-diagnosing your insanity?
SGG: What do you think?
ME: I was a psych minor. So I would say you just picked up a random book and were standing here in a slutty leather outfit wanting people to gawk at you because you are starved for attention. And if anyone really stared at you, you’d probably pretend to be all hard and scream at them. “What they hell are you looking at you dumb fuck?” Something like that. Your insecurity most likely stems from daddy issues. You can read all about it on page 348 of the book you’re holding. How’d I do?
SGG: I’ll read it later and let you know.
ME: Did you read the DSM -III? Because if you didn’t then this one might be hard to follow. Like my wife wanted to go see High School Musical 3 and I said no way because I would be completely lost after not seeing the first 2.
SGG: I really don’t think you would be lost.
ME: Are you a big High School Musical fan?
SGG: I’d rather not answer that question.
ME: So yes.
SGG: Yes.
ME: You look more like a Twilight fan. You know – because of the fangs and the leather and the dead guy lying next to you with 2 holes in his neck with the blood pouring out of them.
SGG: Jim’s not dead. He’s just taking a nap. He had a lot of candy early today is crashing from his sugar high.
ME: I think I’ll go get a pumpkin spice latte. Nice meeting you. Enjoy the manual.
SGG: What are you reading?
ME: It’s Hard Out Here for a Shrimp by Pepe the Prawn. He’s a muppet.
SGG: Okay.