After shopping for ingredients for last night’s dinner, I went to the checkout aisle to checkout. The man who was placing my items into my reusable bags was very loud and didn’t seem to realize that he was in fact working at that very moment. As I waited for all of my items to be scanned, he looked at me like he knew me. I did not meet this man, but here is the conversation we had in the checkout aisle at Gelson’s.

BAGGER: Your wife is hot.
ME: My wife isn’t here.

BAGGER: Oh I know. But you come here all the time. I’ve seen you here with her before. She’s hot.
ME: I’m not sure whether to say thank you, report you to the manager, or punch you in the nose. Since I have no idea how to punch someone without hurting my hand, I’m going to go ahead and ignore you.

BAGGER: Settle down partner. It’s a compliment. So I get off at 10. You want to hit the strip club or what?
ME: Please don’t talk to me.
BAGGER: Have you ever killed a man?
ME: No. But I once maimed someone for crushing my raspberries. Please don’t put them underneath the bag of onions.

BAGGER: I beat the shit out of this guy one time in an alley. Left him for dead. Don’t know if he actually died or not. So if anyone asks me if I killed someone, I can’t actually answer with 100% accuracy.
ME: Do you get asked that a lot?

BAGGER: See that check out guy over there? The one with the comb-over. He peed his pants the other day. Just stood there and took a leak.
ME: Cleanup aisle 7.

BAGGER: People thought is was apple juice.
ME: He needs to hydrate then.

BAGGER: Sometimes I steal people’s dogs. Not because they are barking or annoying or anything. Just because I think it’s funny.
ME: I’ll be right back. I’m going to go get one of those giant sticks of salami from the deli case and beat you over the head with it.

BAGGER: I’ve got a great story about a salami stick. So I’m at a party and I see this chick over by the bar…

ME: I do not like where this is going.

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