My friend sent me a description of a woman she recently noticed while walking the streets of NYC. She requested that I have a fake conversation with this woman, and after reading the description I was happy to oblige.

On a cold winter’s day In NYC, a woman approximately 72 years in age walked briskly down the street. She was wearing a fur coat, an extremely large fur hat, and a fur muff around her hands. Hanging from the muff were a set of bells that jingled with every step. I did not meet this woman, but here is the conversation we had while strolling on 5th Avenue.

ME: Is that fake fur?

FUR LADY: If I say yes, do you promise not to throw blood on me?

ME: So it’s real.

FUR LADY: It’s sloth.

ME: Sloth? They make sloth fur coats, hats, and muffs?

FUR LADY: Well they are extremely slow animals. So it’s not hard to catch them.

ME: I’m surprised you could sneak up on them while you’re jingling like that. I figured it was like one of those bells you put on your cat so they can’t kill birds.

FUR LADY: I don’t have any money if that’s what you’re looking for.

ME: I’m not looking for money. Are you looking for money? I thought you might be a Salvation Army volunteer. You know – with the bell and all.

FUR LADY: Very funny.

ME: What do you call that kind of hat anyway? It’s huge – like a fur sombrero.

FUR LADY: What do you call those ears? They’re huge – like a human Dumbo.

ME: I do have big ears, don’t I?

FUR LADY: It’s not so much the size. But they do stick out. Have you ever thought of going Van Gogh on those suckers? Maybe not the whole ear, but at least part of it.

ME: Hmmm. You know I hadn’t. But now I am.

FUR LADY: Consider it.

ME: Do they make fur underwear?

FUR LADY: Are you inquiring about a 72 year old woman’s knickers?

ME: Apparently I am.

FUR LADY: Some things are better left a mystery.

ME: Suppose they did make fur underwear…what would be the best animal to make it out of?

FUR LADY: Gerbil.

ME: Those would be some small undies.

FUR LADY: You’re a fresh one. I like you. Want to accompany me to the pet store?

ME: Hold on. I just have to vomit first.

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