THE TWO HERMIONES
My wife and I grabbed dinner the other night at a local LA eatery called “Grub”. As we finished our meal and were waiting for the waitress to return with our credit card, in walked 2 women dressed in full Harry Potter regalia. Each donned a black cloak and Gryffindor striped scarf and tie. That night, I happened to be wearing a blue and gold striped cardigan sweater that was eerily reminiscent of the Gryffindor garb, albeit with one different color. I immediately felt their eyes on me wondering whether I was one of them. I did not meet these women, but here is the conversation we had while in the restaurant.
HERMIONE #1: Excuse me. Are you going to the meeting?
ME: What meeting?
HERMIONE #1: Oh. Our mistake. We thought you might be a fellow wizard.
HERMIONE #2: You mean YOU thought he might be a wizard. It’s because she’s colorblind. Clearly those colors are not Gryffindor colors. I knew you were either an imposter or just someone who likes striped sweaters.
ME: Turns out it’s just the sweater thing. I know zero magic. Not even the quarter behind the ear trick. So what meeting are you going to?
HERMIONE #1: It’s a dramatic reading of the final book of the Harry Potter series.
ME: That sounds awesome…and also incredibly time consuming. Isn’t that book like 900 pages?
HERMIONE #2: 784 actually. Look - we’re really not supposed to be discussing this people like you.
ME: People like me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
HERMIONE #1: She means muggles.
ME: Muggles? So you’re saying because I am have non-magical blood that I can’t go to your little reading.
HERMIONE #2: That’s what we’re saying.
ME: That’s racist. You two are racists.
HERMIONE #2: We’re not racists. It’s just a very exclusive organization with very strict rules.
ME: Oh well that makes it ok. I have this thing at my country club anyway. Mitzy and Fluffy are waiting for me.
HERMIONE #1: How droll.
HERMIONE #2: What if I use my invisibility cloak? I can sneak him in and nobody will be the wiser.
HERMIONE #1: If you want to do that, that’s on you. I’m not getting in trouble with Dumbledore for this.
HERMIONE #2: I’ll take that risk. What do you say?
ME: Well I would love to see what this is all about. And I HAVE always wanted to be invisible. On the other hand, I’ve never read any of the books and I kind of don’t want to ruin the next movie by knowing what happens. I think I’ll pass. Thanks though.
(Immediately after making that statement, I was transformed into a snail)