UPS SANTA

Today is 3 days until Christmas. Today, like many other days, I passed by a UPS man delivering packages. But unlike other days, this UPS man was an older gentleman with white hair, a long white beard, and what appeared to be a bowl full of jelly. I did not meet this man, but here is the conversation we had while standing next to his big brown truck.

ME: Ho ho ho there.

UPS: Hello.

ME: That’s a nice “outfit” you’re wearing.

UPS: It’s my uniform.  You know – what can brown do for you?

ME: Well we both know that brown isn’t really your color.  You’d probably be more comfortable in something red.

UPS: I’m pretty sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.

ME: Sure you don’t…Santa.

UPS: It’s Sam actually. Says so right on the name tag.

ME: Riiiight.  Sam.  Samta.  Santa.  I get it. You can’t fool me. You’ve got the beard, the glasses, and the iconic stomach region. So what gives? Are you trying to find out who’s naughty and nice? Are you checking your list a second time perhaps?

UPS: Look buddy – you may think I look like Santa Clause, but I assure you that I am not. I’m Jewish actually.

ME: Oh I know what you’re doing. You’re getting a little head start. You’re delivering some packages before Christmas Eve so that you don’t have to hit every house in one night.  I bet the steadily increasing world population is really making things difficult for you up there.

UPS: You got me. I’ve put too many miles on old Comet and Blitzen. I had to take them out behind the candy cane shed and put them out of their misery. Then I traded the sled in for this truck.

ME: Dear god.

UPS: I’m joking you idiot.  My name is Sam.  I celebrate Hanukkah. I’m not Kris Kringle or Saint Nick or any other name you want to call me. I am a UPS deliveryman.

ME: Well then what’s with the beard? I can’t be the first person who’s made the Santa Claus connection.

UPS: Well you are the only one over the age of 5 who actually believed it. Most adults just make the joke and move on. But now, I’m thinking I may just shave this thing off next December. 

ME: No don’t do that. It’s a glorious beard. I’m rather jealous actually. I’ve been growing my beard for a few months now and …

UPS: Good god man, that’s a beard?! It’s like a 5 o’clock shadow on a pre-pubescent 14 year old. And a patchy one at that.

ME: I’m not going to lie. That hurt. Although you were always kind of dick to Rudolph, so I’m not really surprised.

UPS: Sorry. That wasn’t exactly in the holiday spirit.

ME: It’s ok Sam.  So you think you could maybe put some Rogaine in my stocking this year to help the beard along a little?

UPS: I don’t see why not.  I’ll have the elves whip up a batch tonight when I get back.

ME: I knew it!

UPS: Oh fiddlesticks! You got me. Merry Christmas Craig.

ME: Merry Everything Santa.